The Age of Shame and Social Media

This week, I attended a training on Shame and Compassion with the brilliant Dr. Chris Irons. At one point, he posed a question to the group “If you could all grow up now as teenagers rather than when you did, would you?”

As you might imagine, very few hands went up.

He then asked why. “We have better medicine, technology, and more knowledge than ever before.”

And yet, the reason was obvious: Social media.

When we were 16, we could make mistakes, do silly things with friends, and wake up the next day knowing most people would have forgotten. Worst case? We’d deny it ever happened. There was a freedom in that. The freedom to experiment with who we were becoming, to test our values, our personalities, our boundaries, without the internet recording it all forever.

Today, that freedom barely exists. Every moment is documented, shared, and stored online, never to be forgotten. And with that permanence comes a new emotional cost: a generation growing up under the weight of shame.

What Is Shame and Why Does It Matter?

Shame is a self-conscious emotion — it’s not about feeling bad for what you did, but feeling bad for who you are.
It whispers:

“I am bad,” rather than “I did something bad.”

Because it attacks the core of our sense of self, shame is particularly painful. It can lead to withdrawal, hiding, anger, or perfectionism, rather than healthy reflection or problem solving.

Adolescence is a critical time for identity development. Teenagers are figuring out who they are, their values, relationships, and place in the world. This process depends heavily on how they’re perceived by their peers. When peer feedback is harsh, public, or rejecting, it can feel like a personal judgment of worth.

Neuroscience tells us that during adolescence, the social brain (including the amygdala and prefrontal cortex) is especially sensitive to peer approval, embarrassment, and exclusion. This sensitivity helps teens learn social norms, but it also means that shame hits harder than at any other stage of life.

Why Social Media Amplifies Shame

Social media magnifies all the elements that make shame so potent:

• Public, permanent feedback: Comments, likes, and screenshots result in nothing being truly private or forgettable.

• Curated perfection: The gap between “how I look” and “how I think I should look” grows wider when surrounded by filtered, idealised images.

• Constant comparison: Likes and follower counts make peer validation measurable, immediate, and addictive.

• Fear of visibility: When every post, picture, or mistake can be shared or ridiculed, taking risks with what you might want people to see feels unsafe.

The result? Young people are developing their identities under public scrutiny, constantly evaluating themselves through the eyes of others, resulting in a perfect storm for shame.

What Can We Do?

1. Build Awareness and Self-Talk

Compassion Focused Therapists emphasise the power of compassionate self-talk. An article in Psychology Today discusses how we can teach young people to notice when they’re absorbing “social odours”, the sting of negative comments or online criticism, and replace them with “social fragrances”;  thoughts that are kind, self-affirming, and realistic.

“I can’t control what others say online, but I can control what I believe about myself.”

2. Promote Critical Digital Literacy

Help children understand that what they see online isn’t the full story. Most images are edited, filtered, or photoshopped.. By recognising this, they’re less likely to internalise feelings of inadequacy or shame.

3. Keep Communication Open

Parents, caregivers, and educators play a vital role.

• Model compassion — avoid making negative comparisons or public shaming, even casually.

• Create safe spaces for young people to talk about online experiences that have hurt or embarrassed them.

• Encourage reflection, not judgment. Such as; “Their words are not my worth.”

4. Support Self-Worth Beyond Social Media

Help young people build an identity not tied to likes or followers.
Encourage activities that provide real-world meaning and competence, such as sports, art, volunteering, learning new skills where feedback is genuine and growth-oriented.

When mistakes happen (online or off), guide them to ask:

“What happened?”
“What can I learn from this?”
“How can I move forward?”

A Final Thought

Growing up has never been easy, but for today’s adolescents, it’s happening under a microscope.
Where past generations had the freedom to stumble privately, young people now carry the risk that every misstep will be recorded, replayed, and judged.

Our role as parents, educators, therapists, and fellow humans is to help them navigate this world with compassion, not criticism. To remind them that mistakes don’t define them, that shame can be transformed into learning, and that their worth is never up for likes.